Day fifty six of The Apocalypse.
I claim mythopoetic space right now…I have held archetypal energies as a model
for many artists
…and some of those “bigger than LIFE” feelings are not what the doctor told you they were. So as I rock and roll through kidney stones, with some saying “why don’t you go to the E.R.?” I say that I have a different relationship to my wellness. The E.R. is in my plan, but I am only at stage three of a five stage crisis, and that’s a lot of leeway before adding pharmaceuticals that “take my mind off the pain” (while masking stories that are coming up of PTSD moments/ hurts/ that need to melt away?) . That constipate my process (figuratively, and literally)!
I have a right, a duty, and an OBLIGATION to be pissed off and hurt, right now.
Anything else would be inauthentic, dishonest, and drive me CRAZY.
Beyonce got it right (SING IT, Girlfriend):
Except it it is not betrayal by a MAN that ‘s makin’ me crazy… it’s betrayal by my country. AmeriKKKa.
I am leaving my country and I really love my country. I do. I am a Matriot–back in my 20’s, Lady Columbia whispered in my ear that she was the best possible choice for me; a Black, female, “yang-energy”, cultural creative.
And now I need a divorce.
Every time I leave important relationships in my life, I get kidney stones. The first time I had just spent 6 hours sharing space with my “ex” and their next partner. At our mutual friends’ wedding. Where they used elements from our ceremony in theirs.
And, my lumps of undissolved anger (Louise Hay’s explanation of kidney stones) needed an outlet. Even with that first episode, I saw bouts of renal colic as way better than cancer (another story– don’t ask me to explain how those possibilities dance together in MY loose associating mind).
So here I am, about twelve years later, willing to Do The Work. Again. As I divorce my country.
With that basic formula, I can dance backwards, forwards and sideways into deep stories of cultural neglect, personal politics betrayed, doors closed, opportunities missed, bridges burned…
“And, yet she persisted”
We are rising. But the energies that will help us flow with grace and ease through these difficult times are not always pretty.